How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse

How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse Relationships Violence and Abuse Print How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse By Sherri Gordon facebook twitter Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. Learn about our editorial policy Sherri Gordon Reviewed by Reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW on July 01, 2019 facebook twitter instagram Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author of the bestselling book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Dont Do, and a highly sought-after speaker. Learn about our Wellness Board Amy Morin, LCSW Updated on January 21, 2020 Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin More in Relationships Violence and Abuse Spouses & Partners LGBTQ Feeling insulted and wounded.  Never measuring up. Walking on eggshells.  If these statements describe your relationship, it is likely you are being emotionally abused. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a persons self-esteem and undermine their  mental health.?? Whats more, mental or emotional abuse, while most common in dating and married relationships, can occur in any relationship including among friends, family members, and coworkers. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victims self-esteem and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality. The underlying goal in emotional abuse is to control the victim by discrediting, isolating, and silencing. In the end, the victim feels trapped. They are often too wounded to endure the relationship any longer, but also too afraid to leave. So the cycle just repeats itself until something is done. Impact of Emotional Abuse When emotional abuse is severe and ongoing, a victim may lose their entire sense of self, sometimes without a single mark or bruise. Instead, the wounds are invisible to others, hidden in the self-doubt, worthlessness and self-loathing the victim feels. In fact, research indicates that the consequences of emotional abuse are just as severe as those from physical abuse.?? Over time, the accusations, verbal abuse, name-calling,  criticisms, and gaslighting erode a victims sense of self so much that they can no longer see themselves realistically. Consequently, the victim begins to agree with the abuser and becomes internally critical.  Once this happens, most victims become trapped in the abusive relationship believing that they will never be good enough for anyone else. Emotional abuse can even impact friendships because emotionally abused people often worry about how people truly see them and if they truly like them.  Eventually, victims  will pull back from friendships and isolate themselves, convinced that no one likes them. Whats more, emotional abuse can cause a number of health problems including everything from depression and anxiety to stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, eating disorders, and insomnia. How to Spot the Signs of Emotional Abuse When examining your own relationship, remember that emotional abuse is often subtle. As a result, it can be very  hard to detect. If you are having trouble discerning whether or not your relationship is abusive, stop and think about how  the interactions with your partner, friend or family member make you feel. If you feel wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious or worthless any time you interact, chances are high that your relationship is emotionally abusive. Here are  signs that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Keep in mind, even if your partner only does a handful of these things, you are still in an emotionally abusive relationship. Do not fall into the trap of telling yourself its not that bad and minimizing their  behavior. Remember, everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Emotionally abusive people display unrealistic expectations. Some examples include: Making unreasonable demands of youExpecting you to put everything aside and meet their needsDemanding you spend all of your time togetherBeing dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or how much you giveCriticizing you for not completing tasks according to their standardsExpecting you to share their opinions (you are not permitted to have a different opinion)Demanding that you name exact dates and times when discussing  things that upset you (when you cannot do this,  they dismisses the event as if it never happened) ?Emotionally abusive people invalidate you. Some examples include: Undermining, dismissing, or distorting your perceptions or your realityRefusing to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feelRequiring you to explain and explain and explain how you feelAccusing you of being too sensitive, too emotional, or crazyRefusing to acknowledge or accept your opinions or ideas as validDismissing your requests, wants, and needs as ridiculous or unmeritedSuggesting  that your perceptions are wrong or that you cannot be trusted by saying things like youre blowing this out of proportion or you exaggerateAccusing you of being selfish, needy or materialistic if you express your wants or needs (the expectation is that you should not have any wants or  needs) ?Emotionally abusive people create chaos. Some examples include: Starting arguments for the sake of arguingMaking confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes called crazy-making)Having drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outburstsNitpicking at your clothes, your hair, your work, and moreBehaving so erratically and unpredictably that you feel like you are walking on eggshells ?Emotionally abusive people use emotional blackmail. Some examples include: Manipulating and controlling you by making you feel guiltyHumiliating you in public or in privateUsing your fears, values, compassion or other hot buttons to control you or the situationExaggerating your flaws or pointing them out in order to deflect attention or to avoid taking responsibility for their  poor choices or mistakesDenying that an event took place or lying about itPunishing you by withholding affection Emotionally abusive people act superior and entitled. Some examples include: Treating you like you are inferiorBlaming you for their  mistakes and shortcomingsDoubting everything you say and attempting to prove you wrongMaking jokes at your expenseTelling you that your opinions, ideas, values, and thoughts are stupid, illogical or do not make senseTalking down to you or being condescendingUsing sarcasm when interacting with youActing like they are  always right, knows what is best and is smarter ?Emotionally abusive people attempt to isolate and control you. Some examples include: Controlling who you see or spend time with including time with friends and family??Monitoring your phone calls, text messages, social media, and emailAccusing you of cheating  and being jealous of outside relationships??Taking or hiding your car keysDemanding to know where you are at all times or using GPS to track your every move??Treating you like a possession or propertyCriticizing or making fun of  your friends, family, and coworkersUsing jealousy and envy as a sign of love and to keep you from being with othersCoercing you into spending all of your time togetherControlling the finances?? If you suspect your partner, family member or friend may be emotionally abusing you,  contact a counselor, an advocate or a pastor for assistance. You also can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or visit their website thehotline.org and chat online with someone right away. 7 Ways to Deal With Emotional Abuse The first step in dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship is to recognize that it is happening. If you were able to identify any aspect of emotional abuse in your relationship, it is important to acknowledge that first and foremost. By being honest about what you are experiencing, you can begin to take control of your life again. Here are seven more strategies for reclaiming your life that you can put into practice today. Make your mental and physical health a priority. Stop worrying about pleasing the person abusing you. Take care of your needs. Do something that will help you think positive and affirm who you are. Also, be sure to get an appropriate amount of rest and eat healthy meals. These simple self-care steps can go a long way in helping you deal with the day-to-day stresses of emotional abuse.?? Establish boundaries with the abuser.  Firmly tell the abusive person that they may no longer yell at you, call you names, insult you, be rude to you, and so on. Then, tell them  what will happen if they choose to engage in this behavior. For instance, tell them  that if they call you names or insult you, the conversation will be over and you will leave the room. The key is to follow through on your boundaries. Do not communicate boundaries that you have no intention of keeping. Stop blaming yourself. If you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for any amount of time, you may believe that there is something severely wrong with you. Why else would someone who says they love you act like this, right? But you are not the problem. Abuse is a choice. So stop blaming yourself for something you have no control over. Realize that you cannot fix the abusive person. Despite your best efforts, you will never be able to change an emotionally abusive person by doing something different or by being different. An abusive person makes a choice to behave abusively. Remind yourself that you cannot control their  actions and that you are not to blame for their choices. The only thing you can fix or control is your response. Do not engage with an abusive person. In other words, if an abuser tries to start an argument with you, begins insulting you, demands things from you or rages with jealousy, do not try to make explanations, soothe their  feelings or make apologies for things you did not do. Simply walk away from the situation if you can. Engaging with an abuser only sets you up for more abuse and heartache. No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to make things right in their eyes. Build a support network. Stop being silent about the abuse you are experiencing. Talk to a trusted friend, family member or even a counselor about what you are experiencing. Take time away from the abusive person as much as possible and spend time with people who love and support you.?? This network of  healthy friends and confidantes will help you feel less lonely and isolated. They also can speak truth into your life and help you put things into perspective. Work on an exit plan. If your partner, friend, or family member has no intention of changing or working on their poor choices, you will not be able to remain in the abusive relationship forever. It will eventually take a toll on you both mentally and physically. Depending on your situation, you may need to take steps to end the relationship. Each situation is different; so discuss your thoughts and ideas with a trusted friend, family member or counselor.??